Road to Recovery

Have you ever had the moment when everything seems to be going fine and then in an instant you are bawling. Yeah, I have had those moments. Mainly in the past two days. My boyfriend got me flowers for valentines day. Amazing right? Yes! I brought my lovely flowers to school and put them in my room. With in about a hour I was bawling my eyes out. Why you ask? Simply because I was sad. My grandma used to be a florist. She died a little over a year ago and it really hasn't hit me. Until two days ago. The flowers sitting in my room smell like my grandma, remind me of my grandma and make me realize what I am with out her. The first thing I thought when I saw the flowers was "Grandma would be soo pissed if she saw how he is carrying those flowers, and how he wrapped them. Oh lord." The next thought that passed my mind was bliss. Wow I'm getting flowers from the man I love. Not only am I getting flowers but they are my favorite. Not like I brag about my favorite flowers to anyone other than my girlfriends. Here is where both parts tie in. My grandma was my best friend. All through out my child hood all I wanted was to be loved. I wanted to be cared about. All I got was hate from everyone and my life seriously sucked. I wanted to end my life just so I wouldn't have to face the people I did. But my grandma would always tell me "One day, you will see the world for what it is and not for what you think it is. One day you will be soo loved you wont know what to do." The sad thing is, I always thought Grandma was a little not right up stairs. Some one love me? Oh god no. Shortly after my grandmas death I met my boyfriend. (and here come the tears) Things were crazy at first but now we are so in love its unbelievable. He loves me and I love him. We help each other through the hectic days and calm each other down at night. We pick each other up when we are feeling down and we constantly make sure the other knows we miss them. I have never felt more loved or more cared about in my whole life. And the one person that said it would always happen isn't here to witness. It tears me apart inside. I just wish I could tell her she was right. I wish she could see how amazing my life is now. Minus the busy part. I wish she could see how he makes me feel. I wish I could tell her all the things she promised me, had come true. When I was younger I chose the wrong path. I followed the hard road and made awful decisions. I finally made my way back and when down the correct road that God intended. I'm making almost straight A's, have an amazing boyfriend, have a really close relationship and have 2 amazing friends that will always be by my side even when I can't find time to see them. I just hated that my Grandma had to see the end of my awful path. She constantly worried about me. Most of my family thought I wouldn't even make it through high school. I graduated by the skin of my teeth and now I'm on the Deans list. WOW! Accomplishments I'm very happy about, yet the one person that always believed in me and always knew I would go on to be great; isn't even here to experience it. Lately the thought that has come across my mind is my grandma led my boyfriend to me. We may or may not get married but she found him and made sure I found him. He has made me realize to be thankful for the small stuff. He taught me how to love myself. And love another person. My grandma died and he walked into my life. He is meant to take care of me. To help me through. And he has. I have been crying for the past few days and he just reminds me of what I have. And that every week has a weekend. And every weekend I get to see the love of my life. And be reassured one more time that I'm on the right road.

Money

They say money doesn't buy happiness! But then what does. Nothing? Well to me nothing can buy happiness but money can sure help you succeed in happiness. It really bothers me when people revolve around money. Technically to live, you're life must revolve around money. Money buys food, clothes, pays rent. Basically the needs to live. What happens when you have no money. No food, no clothes, no home. Now you can say that you wouldn't be happy with out all that stuff, but then again who knows. If you were homeless and hungry you probably wouldn't be reading this. Its almost a catch 22. I will be happy with a Ferrari 430 but there is no way I will be able to get that with out money. I think the whole saying means that money cannot make you happy but it can help you be happy. If that makes any sense. I in no way have a life that revolves around money. I think constantly about what I need to pay for to get by but don't let my life be consumed in money. Money only pays for material happiness. Not for emotional or physical happiness. I cannot pay to see the sunrise, or pay for the love that is in my heart, or pay for the rain to fall or pay for the birth of a child. I can pay for a car or a house or bigger boobs, so to speak. I'm not really sure where I am going with all of this but I think I have a point coming up soon. I'm just tired of hearing people say that they can't wait till they can get out and make money so that they can be "happy." I guess I just wish they saw the world as I see it. I mean don't get me wrong, I cant wait to get out of school and make money and afford things. But I am very greatful for every day. For every day that I have the opportunity for someone to teach me new things. For every emotion I feel, good or bad. I'm so greatful that I have wonderful friends and a great boyfriend and a stable home. All of those things money can't buy. When someone tells you that they can't wait for money, its almost a slap in the face. That you aren't worth it to them, for them to be happy they need a huge house with 20 cars and thugged out. How many people do you know that have all that and can truly look at their life and say they are happy. Not many. Just once I want all the self centered people to look around and notice the beauty and the things that money could never afford. I guess that I just have seen all the love that has been shared and the happiness that floats in the wind, that I want people to see the life god intended for us to see. I just know there is more to life than money, and hope one day everyone can see the world and life as it was intended!
(I really hope that made sense.. maybe I just rambled but I heard someone say that money does buy happiness and I was flabbergasted)

Luck.

I have never been poor by any means. Have never skipped a meal and never missed a snack. Since the start of the new year I have no bought groceries once. Scratch that, my family hasn't bought me any food. Not to say they have to. But with my hectic schedule there is no way to have a job and be able to afford a loaf of bread. I clean my parents house every weekend and that is how the bills are paid. Yet I haven't found any extra money to go to the grocery store. And when I come home I ask my parents to go to Kroger and they will simply laugh and say "Well we don't need anything." GOOD ONE! Mind you, these people go to the store every day just because it is a norm in our society. They will go to the grocery just to get something they even aren't going to eat at that moment. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been soo hungry that your body hurts. Have you ever been soo thirsty for something other than water, you think of putting salt in your drink for the sole fact that it will taste different. Everyone has those select foods that ALWAYS sit in their cabinet. ALWAYS. You go to the store, think you need it, buy it, and it simply just sits there. And it NEVER sounds good. I slowly have gone through all of my stuff that I would never eat. I ate almost everything and now I'm down to the nitty gritty. I bought wasa crakerbread a while ago and I had it once and hated it. Well basically a wasa cracker is Styrofoam. Tastes like it, looks like it, feels like it and I'm sure I could pack it like Styrofoam. Needless to say I'm down to about 5 wasa crackers. I have grown very fond of them. I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Well no bread. No jelly. But I have wasa crakers and peanut butter and this lovely stuff called apple butter. Now I have been living off apple peanut butter wasa cracker sandwiches for about 2 days. Grown very fond of the apple Styrofoam taste. The apple butter is pretty much empty. I think I have a teaspoon left. The peanut butter is down to a spoon full and like I said only 5 wasa crackers. What the hell am I going to eat with the crackers now. It really scares me that I will soon not have anything in my cabinet. Seriously. Nothing. I have a box of tuna helper. But no milk, no butter. Maybe I could improvise. Eventually I will have too. I have a can of green beans. Tea (gross). 1 bagel. stale cereal. soy sauce. oil. oh and peas! Boy do I love peas. I'm saving those for a special occasion. Yeah that's about it. My body is literally starving. I can feel it storing away as much fat as I eat now, because it knows the food source is getting more and more scarce. How sad is that I'm scared to ask my parents for food. How sad is it that I cant. I went home last weekend and started raiding the fridge. My parents come in and go, what are you doing. I had bananas in my hand, chips, cheese, milk, you name it i was trying to eat it. I look at them and said I have only had a bagel for 2 days. You want to know what they said. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY SAID??? Hahaha that's funny Kaylyn. That's probably not good.. YOU SHOULD EAT MORE. Are you fucking kidding me. Why the hell do you think I have all this food in my hands and in my mouth. Trying to eat because I don't know how many more days Ill be able to eat a bagel every 2 days. I'm soo fed up with this situation. Yet I cant do anything about. Every second I'm free I'm studying or volunteering. I could cut out my friend time and boyfriend time to make a little money to buy food but I'm not about to ruin my life. I'm going to school and making straight A's right now, working my fucking ass off and yet I go to bed hungry. I have cried my self to sleep because I was so hungry. All I was is some bread and milk. I have sold all I can. I have done all I can. And yet my trying isn't good enough. Its never good enough. I was telling my boyfriend I didn't have anything to eat and he told me he was going to buy me food. No. I don't need you to buy me food. I don't need anyone to buy me food. I'm not a pitty party. I don't need your hand outs. I just wish my parents could see how well I'm doing. And help me a little. I understand they pay for my college, but how will i go to college if I die of starvation. I really have never been soo hungry and exhausted in my life. I thought I was hungry when I would eat dinner at 7 instead of 5. I thought I was hungry would I would just eat my bagel and banana and protein bar and skip out on the OJ and milk. I never knew I was ever going to have to face this struggle. I never knew One day I wasn't going to have three square meals. My body is literally eating itself. I'm so hungry , I'm not hungry. I feel dizzy and Like I'm going to throw up. But there is no way your ever going to see me suffer. Ever see me beg. I simply want my parents to take care of me the way they take care of my brother. My brother live in saint Louis and has a big boy job and still comes home and my parents will take him out to Sam's and buy him bulk food. HOME BOY HAS A FUCKING JOB! the things they do for him and not me, will forever amaze me. But I need to stop complaining. There are starving kids all over the world who don't even get the pleasures of sleeping in a bed, or having running water, or heat, or air conditioning, or the chance for a higher education, or a computer, or home. I need to be thankful. So what if I go to bed hungry. I'm safe and I'm not going to die from a road side bomb. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on. In their eyes I'm one of the "lucky" ones.

Flawless

I have always thought of myself as worthless. I never loved my self or who I was becoming until just recently. Maybe a few months ago. I would constantly point out my flaws. Try to right my every wrong. And yet never be good enough. This weeked my boyfriend told me those 3 little words I have been longing for for so long. I love you. You love me? Im sorry did I hear you correctly. Or did i just want you to say that and my mind is playing tricks on me. I never thought anyone could love me. Oh no, not me. Poor kaylyn. No one will care for you. Love you. Or even lust after you. It honestly brings me to tears. Andrew Loves me. And I love him with all my heart. No one has ever told me they loved me. My parents, yes. But no guy. Its a crazy thing, Love. Its crazy that I can love something so much to want it to be with me for ever. Its crazy that I AM IN LOVE! When the words came out of his mouth, my body flooded with emotion. Im just speechles. Trying to write about my experience and yet just taken back. You love Me? wow. What did I do to deserve a man like him, im not sure. We have had our rough patches. We have been through our stuff. But now that he has let go. Opened his heart, he fell in love. We have been going for about a little over a year now. Off and on. Learning about eachother. Laughing. Living. And just recently we became facebook official. Im pretty sure I mentioned that. And now he loves me. I honestly fell inlove the first time I saw him. And my love just grew deeper and deeper. For him to say that he loves me first is amazing. To hear him say it is like the few seconds right before the sunrises. Just like complete peace. Him saying it makes me know that he feels the same way about me as I do him. Its just crazy. I replay it over and over in my head. Andrew loves me. LOVES me. I always wanted someone to love me. Someone to care about me. But i never knew it would hit me the way it has. I never knew I could get butterflies everytime I think of andrew. I never knew that someone could take my breath away every single time I saw him. Even if he leaves the room and comes back. The seconds Im not with him, I crave him. And him saying he loves me lets me know he feels the same way. I just cant believe the words. Cant believe my heart. Life works in crazy ways. I love Andrew. And always have and always will. WOW!

Love.

I have always had those boyfriends that were simply boring. Actually about every guy that has ever stepped into my life has been boring. Or hurtful. Or hateful. Or just plain scum. I was never able to get that one guy. The guy that made your heart skip a beat when he walked by. The guy, to you, met your standards. I felt like for soo long I had to settle for something less than what I wanted. Not because I wasnt able to get prince charming, but because I never felt worthy of anything better. I still doubt myself from time to time. But I atleast deserve happines. Love. And thats when I met andrew. When my last boyfriend left me. Not just "hey we are done," but actually left the state, I was miserable. How could I not keep this scum of the earth. How could this guy not see that he was meer shit and I was a shiny rock. I knew he was bad news. I knew he was messed up. But I needed someone to confind in. Regardless if he actually listened. So when he up and left I was devistated. Because I ment nothing to anyone. It was right before my freshman year of college. I was already going to leave everything I knew and start a new. But why couldnt I have something that was normal. That I knew was safe. I met Andrew within a month of living at Vincennes. He stole my heart from the very second I saw him. He made me second gues everything I had ever known. He made me want more and more. Of what, Im not sure but I wanted it. We kind of had a fling and it fizzled really quick. He had a mind set of not being with me. As did I. I was not about to get hurt. Not by this bastard. Its been about a year and a half now (something like that) and we have been off and on ever sence. Here recently we decided to become "facebook official." Well actually he surprised me with it. In my heart I always felt like something was out there that was better for him. And it wasnt me. I slowly began to fall inlove with him and now Im so head over heels I have no idea what to do. For the longest time he would hold back. Understandable. And now he is full force. All I want to do is be with him. He makes me feel beautiful even when I have just woken up and have drool on my face. He makes me feel feelings I have never felt before. He makes me so happy its crazy. I never thought my cheeks could hurt soo bad from smiling. I never thought I could acutally want someone just as bad if not worse than they want me. We complete eachother. Make jokes. Make sentences. Make memories. We can be complete assholes to eacother (like smart ass) and then just look and laugh. He just recenlty started calling me names. Good names. Babe. Baby. Baby Cakes. Cakes. It cute. I used to hear people say it and it made me sick. But when I hear it come from his mouth my whole body tingles. Im so in over my head its insane. We talked about this summer going to the beach. An escape from the world vacation. We also talked about when he has to go away for the military. And thats not for a while. He sees me in his future and Im not sure I could be with out him. I love when he calls. I love when he texts me. Im getting butterflies just thinking about it. I finally know what it feels like to be in the "movie" kind of love. I cant get enough of him. He is the only person that I have had and yet i still want more. His laugh. His smile. His eyes. His jokes. His body (of course). And i mean i love muscles, dont get me wrong. But there is just something about him, when I see him my knees get weak. My throat gets dry. I have never been inlove and I sure hope this is it. Andrew and I are great together. We used to have stupid ass fights. And he used to break my heart every day with his unwillingness to commit. But he is no longer testing the waters. He has jumped him. And Im right there with him.

Breath..

Have you ever just had that moment when everything gets so crazy all you want to do is sit back and relax and you can't find the time to simply just breath. Lately that's how it has been. I have been more busy now than I have ever been in my whole life put together in one day. Or so it feels like. I have test after test and then priorities to see my friends and see my boyfriend. It almost seems like the weekend is only a total of 2 hours. And some how I am supposed to go to the gym, see my boyfriend, see my friends, clean the house, community service, spend time with my father, and study. It would be easy if all that were about 5 minutes long. I could honestly stay at the gym for 5 hours and I could spend days on end with my friends and my boyfriend. There is just not enough time in the day or week or month or year for that matter, to get everything I want to be done. If only the minutes could last a little longer. I heard once that time flies when you're having fun. Well that couldn't be more true now. I feel like I just started school and I'm already my third week in. I love to study and to learn and to go to class, so my school days are a flash and like I said the weekend are about 2 hours long. I know you are probably thinking with all this time I don't have how the hell did I find time to write. Well I love to write and I figure I can squeeze one more drop of time. Actually, today we have no school. We must have got a whole foot of snow. You would think living in Indiana we would be used to snow. But no. Every winter everyone is soo amazed of this white stuff falling from the sky and they act as if Armageddon is happening. Even though I have the day off I still have to study. Life doesn't stop when school is closed. Or when my car is buried under the snow. I have 2 tests tomorrow. Micro Bio Lab and Nutrition. Hopefully laying in bed with my books surrounding me I will be able to study and find the time to just have some me time. I just want to sit back and breath. I don't have a job but I'm a full time student. And to me that is just like having a job. But with a little bit more studying. Even when I get a break from school, I never really truly get a break. I still have worries on my mind about what I should be studying, how can I get ahead of my classes and how hard will the next set be. Its a very stressful life but I love waking up and wondering what I'm going to learn next.

(my car is in the picture somewhere.. taken this morning)